Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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