You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She even gives head with a lisp.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
