So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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