I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
