btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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