You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
