it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
