Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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