an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
