kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
