Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Randomize
