Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Randomize
