I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
