maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
