You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
