Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
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