every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
