i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
