you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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