the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
