I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
