So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
