apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
