oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
