"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
