You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
