Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
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