allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
