I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
