i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
