mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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