I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
