I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
