My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
