I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Randomize
