ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize