Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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