Your face is a jimmy john
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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