haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
