Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
