i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
