I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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