My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
