Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Randomize
