don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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