i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
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