so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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