Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
