Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
My bed smells like the plague
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
