why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
